Grief and Loss in Adoption

Grief is a common and painful part of being human. For adoptees, grief can begin very early in life and may include losses that others may not always see or understand.

An adoptee may grieve the loss of a first family, a home, a country, a culture, a language, or even the life they might have experienced if circumstances had been different.

These losses can exist alongside the blessings of adoption.

That is an important truth to remember.

In adoption, we often focus on what was gained—the family, the opportunities, the love, the stability. And those things can be incredibly meaningful. But acknowledging the gains does not mean we have to minimize or dismiss the losses.

Every adoption story is different. Every adoptee experiences loss differently.

Many adoptees grieve someone they have never known. A birth parent may be physically absent, yet remain deeply present in an adoptee’s thoughts, questions, memories, and sense of identity. The unanswered questions and lack of closure can sometimes have a lasting impact on emotional well-being.

And for parents, there is an especially important message:

Your child’s grief is not a reflection of their love for you.

Their questions do not mean they are unhappy with their family. Their sadness does not mean they are ungrateful. Their curiosity about their birth family does not diminish the love they have for you.

A child can love their adoptive family deeply and still grieve what they have lost.

They can feel grateful and sad.
They can feel loved and still wonder.
They can feel a sense of belonging while also longing for pieces of their story.

Both can be true.

When we create space for adoptees to talk about their losses without fear of hurting or disappointing the people who love them, we give them permission to process their experiences honestly.

We don’t have to choose between celebrating what adoption has given and acknowledging what adoption has taken away.

There is room for both.

To better support those grieving;

1. Acknowledging their loss- Avoid minimizing and dismissing their grief. Create an open and safe space for them, while expressing empathy and understanding by validating their feelings.

2. Educate yourself about trauma and grief- Learn how trauma impacts their behavior and development. Whether through training, online resources, professional guidance, and commit to deepen your knowledge.

3. Watch for triggers- Recognize situations or objects that may remind the individual of their loss. Through understanding these triggers, it will help you prepare and respond sensitively when they occur.

4. Be patient – Greiving is not a linear process, nor is it quick. Have compassion as the individual works through their emotions.

5. Seek professional help- When it feels overwhelming, don’t hesitate to consult with therapists or counselors who specialize in adoption / child trauma.

6. Focus on building trust – Trust is the foundation for emotional healing.

What do you think when you think of summer? Is it going to your friends lake house, going to camp, or being out of school? For me, it was connecting with other adoptees and their families. Experiencing a safe community filled with nothing but acceptance and unconditional love. It all started on a hot humid summer day of September 1st, 1997 which was later known as my ‘adoption day.’ That is the day my parents adopted me, but also the day, other adoptees united with their forever families. My parents wanted to connect with other families who were going through their adoption journey. They decided to stay in touch with those who were in the same group as I was. We came together at the end of every summer for the weekend -which meant traveling to other states. From when we were two years old till the end of our high school days it was something I anticipated every summer. Our weekend consisted of arriving on a Friday afternoon checking in at the hotel and meeting up to swim at the hotel before we headed over to the host families house for dinner. We’d explore well known landmarks from the Liberty Bell in PA to going to The Capitol in DC. I definitely remember each day was packed with activities from morning till night. The weekend went by so fast, it was hard to say goodbye, but I couldn’t wait for the next year to see where we’d be traveling to. Over the course of the 16 years, we shared laughs and tears while becoming such a close-knit group, it felt like a huge family, I saw the others as “siblings” and their parents like another set of parents, not only did they care so much about me but the others. As we got older, we didn’t meet up every year but still stayed in contact through social media, emails and holiday cards. It was interesting to see and hear one another reaching huge milestones like launching their career and getting married. Over time, I still intended to make it a goal to stay connected with them but also met other adoptees outside my adoption group and become more involved in the adoption community. Connecting with someone who shares something so big is everything, you instantly click and feels like you aren’t alone. To my fellow adoptees out there reading this, don’t be afraid to share your story because you do have a voice and you are loved by many. I also want to say to those adoptees who I’ve encountered along the way and connected with, thank you for coming into my life whether it was a simple “hi” or a long deep conversation with me. I am forever blessed to have you by my side along the way. With that being said, summer is where it all started; the connection and strong bonds with other adoptees would last a lifetime that made me feel unconditonally loved and accepted.

People think they can make statements about me being adopted such as how I must feel like, how I must think like, and how my biological parents and how my own parents feel about me. It’s not as always as simple. These are some common misconceptions and myths surrounding adoption that I have experienced personally. From well-meaning but inaccurate comments to harmful stereotypes. One of the biggest ones I get is, “you are lucky.” Telling me I am lucky is like telling someone they are lucky for being born, which you don’t have any control whatsoever. It’s basically like empty words, and has no real meaning to it and that I can’t complain or allowed to question it/not talk about the negative side of adoption. It also applies that I deserve my love. At times I would feel guilty about my “luck” when compared to those who didn’t get “lucky enough” to be adopted. I prefer to see it as a conicidence for which I am grateful but I don’t really believe in luck. Another misconception I get is, “you are so sad.” When I introduce myself and tell people I am from China, there is typically a moment of silence before they say “do you know anything about your biological parents?” then I proceed to tell them, “no I don’t know them” then it is awkward and they add to it saying, “you must be sad about it.” In the back of my mind I always wondered how people what me to respond to that, is there a right way to answer that question. My answer is, that it is challenging and sucks but I don’t need your pity. I don’t consider myself sad because I don’t know anything other than what I have now. What I feel is more complicated than just being sad. Adding on, is “your biological parents didn’t love you.” by sharing my story with others I have gotten this multiple times. I try not to let it get to me, but it shocks me the way people think. All I can say is, I can’t imagine the pain they went through and that I don’t know the exact circumstances of my situation and for someone to blame someone for giving up their child assuming because they didn’t love the child enough is shallow. You don’t know the support they had if they even had it, or consequences the family had to face in China with the One-Child Policy such as heavy fines or imprisonment. So how can you judge someone if you’re not in their position or blame them, you can’t. My parents always told me that no matter the reason of leaving me behind, my biological parents loved me and wanted what was best. Additionally, another one is “you should move on, and forget about your past.” I wish it was as simple as that, but it’s not. I wish outsiders would comprehend it but for those who know their biological parents, take a minute to imagine the reality in which you don’t know them, I don’t think you really can. So you can’t really tell someone that just move on and forget about it. As adoptees, we have to live a loss of history, our roots, our story, and identity but as we do talk about it openly we heal from it. I believe you can grow and move on, while also reflecting on your past and trying to understand it while being attuned to your emotions. Lastly, “you can’t miss something you never had.” That’s not exactly true because you grieve a loss you haven’t had. It’s okay to mourn a loss and there’s no time limit for when you need to be done feeling a certain way. Over the course of time I realized that the feeling for belonging can only be found within yourself. It’s not found just in a group, you have to first accept yourself and who you are. Overall, I believe it is every adoptee’s right to have these feelings that come up and to fully heal from the trauma that comes with being an adopted.

November can be filled with loaded emotions for those in the adoption community.  An experience of joy, sorrow, loss, gain, blessing and pain. Included is shattering and healing. Calm and rage. Yes, as an adult adoptees I carry the weight of November. I sense a huge loss inside of me that so have carried along my life-journey. I used to feel ashamed of the feeling of being adopted. I would feel guilty that I felt a sense of loss by being adopted when many people told me that I should feel blessed for how much I gained. Guilt leads to shame. Shame leads to isolation. Then we turn off our feelings and tell everyone we are okay and that we tell ourselves that we’re better off alone. That’s a lie. We are better together. Birth parents. Foster parents. Adoptive parents. Foster parents. Adoption Advocates. We’re better together when united. It’s okay to feel what you feel. Let it out and start healing. It’s fine if we celebrate adoption, but let’s not isolate in the process of all of this. Adoption is many things.

This is a time I don’t like but I don’t dread it either. Mother’s Day has been pretty hard on me ever since I was in grade school. For those who aren’t adopted you may wonder why this is such a diffcult day for those adopted. I can’t speak for them but I can speak for myself. I feel as my biological mom, who was once in my life at one point was taken away from me. Not forced but by choice. I am not sure what the reason was and may never know as I have mentioned before. It made Mother’s Day hard for me because I had so many unanswered questions about her that came to me. I felt so alone at times like no one truly understand how I felt. On this day I tend to think about what was she like, how is she doing now, does she think about me or regret giving me up, plus way more. I remember one Mother’s Day I think I was in Middle School at the time and I wrote a letter to my biological mom and I sat there in my bedroom in silence for about ten minutes and cried. I was hurt, mad and sad all at once. I eventually gathered myself together and carried on with the rest of the day. As I have gotten older it’s gotten less overwhelming for me but it still stirs up many emotions for me. I tend to shy away from people on this day and want some space to think and collect my thoughts/feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom who I currently have and I am forever grateful for all she has done for me but there’s always going to be that part of me who feels empty. My biological mom may not be here with me physically to this day since I’m not sure where she is but I always carry her in my heart. ❤️

Have your ever imagined what it’s like to celebrate your birthday when you didn’t know exactly when or where you were born. Many of us are impacted as the days lead up to the month as well. Some adoptees have no issues with this day. For most people birthdays are a happy time, built on the foundation of being welcomed into the world. A time for cake, parties and balloons. Now consider an adoptee’s birthday. What does it represent for them? It represents the day of their greatest loss, the day they lost their birth mother and all that was familiar. It was not only their birthday, but their loss- day. Personally for me this day is somewhat hard for me- it definitely’s got me thinking. I think about all the information on that note my birth parents left me (was a note pinned on my clothes when found with my actual birthday). I will never know. I like to think it’s all real but part of me doesn’t believe it, I don’t know why. This day is overwhelming in a way because I feel a loss. The hardest part about my birthday is, the inescapable truth that adulthood is in fact a reality, is wondering how my birth mom copes with the day. A number of questions come to my head such as: Does she even remember my birthday? Does she celebrate it somehow? Does she wonder how much I change with every passing year? For me birthdays since I have been adopted have been fairly good and filled with unconditional love but there have been times when I just felt pure sadness, like something is missing. I am a year older and wiser as I continue to deal with my issues of being adopted. This is a process and if every seventeenth of April I shed a couple of tears, then so be it. I am accustomed to the feelings of loss, and my sense of early rejection. I accept them as part of who I am and do not need the “I am sorry” This underlying feeling of sadness is something I work on every day. I love and appreciate my adoptive family, but celebrating my birthday will always be a struggle. Finally, I would like to thank those who wish me happiness on my birthday, but please allow me to take a moment and grieve another year for not knowing who my birth mom and birth family are. Furthermore, if you know an adoptee who’s birthday is soon, wish them a happy birthday, celebrate with them if they choose to do it. But keep in mind not all adoptees are are okay. Adoption will always be attached to us. Sometimes like a ball or a chain, and other times like a badge we wear proudly.

I’m not just American. I’m Asian-American. It shouldn’t make a difference which phrase I use right? I’m still considered American. But no. There is a difference. Despite my Asian ethnicity, until more recently, I haven’t connected much with Asian heritage and culture. Attending predominantly white schools with lots of privledge as well as being surrounded by majority white people, I saw myself as one of them. I remember a day trip I took to Chinatown in Chicago (where I live) with my parents realizing all the people walking past by me and trying so hard not to stare at them because I was not used to seeing so many people that looked exactly like me. It was a weird feeling. I felt like in a way I did not belong because I do not speak the language (I only know very little), I felt so out of place. I felt lost. At times I wanted to try to speak to them but I knew they would speak back to me and I would not know what to say and I would feel bad and sort of ashamed that I can’t speak my language of where I am from. I consider myself more American than Asian. My identity ought to be American-Asian instead Asian-American. Because I feel more American at heart, I grew up American. Yet, “where are you and your family from?” is always the first questions people ask when they meet me. I can’t avoid my Asian identity. I am currently in the proccess of learning Chinese it will take time but I hope by the end of the year I am able to write and speak it well. When I hang out with my non-Asian friends I don’t think much of it considering I am the only Asian in the group. Yet, when I am surrounded by my Asian friends, I become very aware of my race and the fact that we’re all asian. To this very day, I am still struggling to find my place in the world. Thus, the importance of the hyphen. I am not just one, I am both.

I’ve come across many good documentaries on Netflix but this one by far has been one of the best ones I’ve seen, maybe because I can relate to it so well. For those of you who don’t know ‘Somewhere Between’ the documentary was on Netflix awhile ago but it follows four Chinese adopted girls as teenagers coming to terms with who they are and where they come from. They meet and bond with other adoptees, some journey back to China to reconnect with the culture, and some even reach out to the oprhaned girls left behind. I was brought to tears throughout the documentary it was very moving. You don’t have to be adopted to have experienced abandoment, betrayal of trust, and a sense of being “different.” These are experiences we all have in common, and are the ones that cause the most pain, especially in the teen years. Overall it’s a must see film for anyone who has been adopted or considering adopting.

Growing up in a primarily white suburban area it was hard for me to feel like I fit in. In middle school you’re just trying to find out who you are as a person because your not really sure. It wasn’t so easy for me to make friends back then because I really tried to look for friends who could relate to my situation and my feelings at the time but it was extremely hard. I didn’t want just any friend I wanted someone who I could connect to easily. As I mentioned earlier in one of my first posts I was fortunate enough to have a group of girls who I was adopted with that I got to connect with every year. We didn’t really discuss adoption but being around someone that looked like me brought both comfort and a sense of belonging. As I’ve gotten older I’ve grown more into talk about my adoption and my feelings which has helped me build connections with other Chinese adoptees and has been one of the best experiences I’ve had to interact with those who share similar stories to mine. At the end of the day it’s good to know there are others out there who are in this with you together and that you are not alone.

Dear mom and dad,

I am so grateful for both of you. Since the day you brought me here you both have showed me unconditional love and support. There’s not enough words to describe how much I love and appreciate all you have done for me. You gave me a roof to laugh, to cry, and sleep under. You both gave me a shoulder to lean on. You gave me structure with understanding that allowed me to grow up to be the person I was always meant to be. Thank you for never having to sit down with me for the “You’re adopted” talk. You didn’t keep that a secret from me, and I cannot express the gratitude I have toward you for that. Thank you for being such amazing parents. I’m sorry that we fight sometimes, but when you’re an only child and don’t have sisters and brothers to fight with, you two become the target, but that doesn’t mean I don’t respect you guys or that I love you any less. In fact it makes me love you more because it has taught me to fight for what I believe in. I love to infinity and beyond and would not want it any other way.

Sincerely,

Your daughter